well im going on week three of being sick. finally went to the doctor and he told me i have stress induced ibs. great! not. it really sucks. i wake up anywhere between 2am and 4 am repeatedly to go the bathroom. i wake up with this sense of urgency like i got to run to the toilet or it will happen right where im at. but as soon as i get to the toilet i cant do anything. then i start dry heaving and if im lucky i may actually vomit. and this goes on for hours each night for the past three weeks. in addition to all that i have serious pressure and pain in my abdomen. ive called out of work more times then i would have liked and its not a job where they really understand that im sick and well i cant control when it flares up. some days im fine others its a slight annoyance and then others like today im up all night wishing i could shit or vomit while crying in the bathroom. the medicine hasnt started working yet and im getting real impatient. im eating way less cuz im worried that i dont know maybe ill fill up or something. the doctor also gave me xanax for the stress i think the only reason he gave it to me was because i was crying in the doctors office too. when i get stressed it just overflows i get this heavy tight feeling right in the middle of my chest and i cant breathe and i have this sense of impending doom and it scares me and then i just wish that i would feel better and that if i dont then i wish i would just die so i wont have to deal with it anymore. im tired of fighting for every single fucking thing in my life. i dont want to fight anymore even if it means fighting for my health. im done. im exhauseted. i hate my life. i love doug dont get me wrong on that i love him immensely but everything else thats going on really sucks. i have a car payment now that im not sure i can pay with my shitty job. it only pays 6 per hour and i have to be at work at 5am. i cant pay rent,car insurance, doctor bills, vet bills, groceries, gas, car payment, or anything for that matter on this type of pay. i hate it, im trying to find a new job but im not qualified for anything thats available. i dont have an education because i didnt want one. i thought i was wasting time in school but now i know all to fucking well that i do need a damn degree and i cant afford to get one. even if someone else were to pay for it how could i still work and pay the other expenses i have. its like im stuck here. no upward mobility just straight up lower class. doug and i are not even middle class right now. each month all the money that we make is already spent, or we still owe a little bit. is this to be our fate destined for the trailer park and always wanting more? i just dont understand im tired im frustrated. all i want to do is stay at home in bed and sleep the days away. who knows maybe one day when i wake up i will really Wake Up and everything will be alright again and this will all seem like some messed up dream. when will i wake from this i desperately need to wake up before i take the big sleep. its a battle of wills me against me. and the odds are not looking good im a pessimist and a physically sick pessimist now so the prognosis is bad.